Notes from The Tour 2019 by Keith Talbot


 or The Adventures of Woody and friends


Cast List


The Scouser - Phil Williamson (Captain)      

The Lawman (Lime & Water) Keith Talbot (VC)

Woody - President Ian Wood                

Tarzipan / Gusset - Peter Ward

Santa - Dave Wilkins                          

Harry Potter - Ian Potter

Silverback - Joe Angella                             

Larry the Lamb - Andy Lamb

The Sandman - Gary Hann                              

Jay-Z / Speedy - Richard Jays

Multi-colour Man - Mitch Clark                             

Peter Pan - Brian Street

The English Patient - Neil Smith                               

Big Andy - Andy Plowright

Del-boy - Derek May                             

Captain Sensible - Nigel Wates


Day 1 - Evening


·      Arrived at New Forest Lodge hotel to be greeted enthusiastically by owner Dee, who appeared to be doing everything himself

·      Several of party head straight for the pub, 100 yds up the road

·      Dee alerts V/C Keith and Harry Potter that there is a car unlocked with its boot wide open. Clubs in back and phone in front plus empty Presidential chain box.  It’s Woody’s

·      At pub, all going well until Derek appears to have wet himself. Supposedly an un-named person spilt beer on him. He retires to dry out and is not seen again. (Pictures are available)

·      Santa demonstrates how to drink continuously with only short pauses to speak. He must have a bladder the size of Lake Windermere!

·      Some fool engages Joe in a political discussion

·      Against the odds, Harry manages the kitty extremely well

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Day 2 - Morning

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·      Team rises early to wave Dee’s 2 boys off to school on their first day. Dee panicking until his wife returns from school run to help

·      Drive to Dudsbury – a pleasant trip though costly for one or two of our faster colleagues. They will be returning to Hampshire at a future date!

·      Captain announced 4 groups for Singles competition. V/C interferes and adds a team element

·      Neil spills coffee over Harry claiming it was the pillars fault, Harry’s fault or the dodgy shoulder’s fault just not his! VAR subsequently proved it was his fault.

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On the course, a trolley takes off on the 2nd hole and plunges into the water. It’s Woody’s

First tee nerves get to Jay-Z who trips over the tee block the size of a hay bale

·      The Sandman visits 14 bunkers in his round – a gritty player.

·      Larry loses 5 balls, his normal annual total, and is distraught. Join the Club!

·      Mitch wore some understated shorts and an outrageous glove.

·      Winner of the Singles It’s Woody – yes, the amphibian had 42 pts including an (fish?) eagle, net one

·      Team Winners – Tarzipan, Larry, Woody and Santa by one from the real Best team

·      The Scouser generously bought the wine at the meal but noticeably no lime!

·      Harry gets soaked again, this time by wine; this time it is his fault

·      Captain Sensible tries hard to revive Woody’s phone until Woody eats the rice remedy!

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Day 3 - Evening


·      A wallet, keys and a phone are left in the Clubhouse changing room, fortunately retrieved by Santa It’s Woody’s

·      The Sandman tries to rival Multi-colour Man’s crap dress sense

·      Larry recites the whole of “Life of Brian” verbatim

·      Chorus of the “Frog Song” serenades Woody

·      The Scouser (Captain) thanks everyone for their contribution, highlighting he hadn’t made one!

·      He also thanked Mark in his absence for the superb organisation of the tour

·      The Lawman (V/C) thanked the Captain for a great tour pointing out that he had contributed twice as many points (Still none!)

·      Unbelievably, Captain Sensible heads for home to play more golf tomorrow

·      Someone engages Joe in a political discussion

·      Someone leaves an expensive jumper in the bar It’s Woody


Day 4 - Morning


·       Breakfast and home for our now weary tourists

·       Gusset makes it back without stopping - just!




A big WELL DONE to our two health concerns, Pete and Neil. Not only did they survive the rigours of the Tour but they both won 2 matches!!!

     © Sussex Golf Captains 2019